Blog
Testimony
Each of us have struggles that we either face head on or try to bury deep within. I’m no exception to this. My life has been one of constant struggles with identity, with love and trying to figure out where my place was in this world.
Church was always an important part of my life. I was saved at the age of four but never truly understood what living a Christian life was all about until many years later when things would come to a head.
When I was 6 years old and again at 8, I was molested by two people, one a female who was babysitting me and the other was an older male friend of the family. Both of these events ripped out my heart and caused me to become extremely withdrawn and terrified of people. I built of walls around me to protect me from getting hurt again but unfortunately the hurt became just as bad once I entered into Middle School.
I was the target of bullying, name calling, people shoving me and knocking my books out of my arms. I was called gay, fag, queer, sissy, and everything else you can think of. I would go home and each night would cry myself to sleep. I would beg God to let me die because I couldn’t continue to face this daily torment. I didn’t know what the word “gay” meant but the way people were making fun of me, I knew that it had to be really bad and would cause the ultimate disappointment towards me from others. The enemy started telling me that everyone thinks you are gay, you are worthless, you’ll never be accepted, your family and friends will completely shun you and you are better off dead. I can’t even begin to tell you the number of times I came so close to ending my life because I didn’t want to be this “gay” thing that everyone seemed to constantly point out. This led me to becoming terrified to ever be late, to speak up in class or in front of people because I felt sure that I would say or do something that would make them torment me even more.
I was living in a prison, I was miserable and although I knew God existed I struggled to see Him as a loving God. How could such a loving God, keep letting me continue to be hurt by so many people? How come He didn’t love me enough to take this from me or to just let me die? I hurt so bad and thought I had done something that caused all of this “punishment.”
My youth pastor and music minister at church both saw something in me and they began to do their best to help me. I discovered my voice and love of music and I finally had a way that I could get my feelings out to share what was on my heart. Over time, this became something that people knew about me, I was known as the kid with the voice. I finally felt that I had something worth living for so all through high school, I suppressed any feelings that I had and I focused on church and singing. The focus was never on God, it was never on pursing that relationship with Him although I knew all the answers, my relationship with Christ was lukewarm at best.
Porn eventually entered my life and it became an addiction while at college and it opened my eyes to a world of darkness. I began wanting to experiment and this led me to living this double life, the good Christian on Sunday’s and Wednesdays but the rest of the time, living a secret life of trying to figure out my sexuality and going down a rabbit hole that became extremely hard to escape. No one knew of my secret, no one knew that I was struggling, I couldn’t let anyone in because the friends that I did have would walk away, they’d hate me and I’d be looked at as this vile and disgusting person that was destined for hell and for continuous punishment from God.
This all came to a head in 2006 when I collapsed at work. After weeks of testing trying to figure out what happened, all the doctors concluded that it was all stress related. I had held so much pain in from so much of my life that my body shut down. I was completely broken but at the urging of the doctors to not hold anything in going forward I announced to the world via myspace that I was in fact gay. It was such a relief but it terrified me at the same time. I knew I would lose people but I had to be honest with myself, I had to just get it out and not care anymore what people thought.
In 2008 I began going to a new church, and once again, the focus was all about me and the music. I had pushed all of my feelings of SSA (same sex attraction) to the back burner and tried my best to ignore it as much as possible. I didn’t go to church to serve, I didn’t go to hear the gospel, I attended the church to sing and make it all about me. The friends I had there all started going into relationships and once again I’m the third wheel and the enemy crept back in to tell me I was gay and that I just needed admit it and live my truth.
I wasn’t intentionally looking for someone but it happened and I broke down and told someone at the church. I was asked to leave the worship team understandably but was not prepared to have my conversation shared with others the following day. My phone was blown up with people telling me that I was going right to hell, that I needed to turn back to the light, that I needed to turn from my wicked ways and most of those “friends” shunned me and never spoke to me again. I was heartbroken because the thing I feared the most, losing everyone was coming true!
Naturally I ran to the person that was showing me interest, that was wanting to get to know me and wanting to spend time with me. He was the only one there for me at that time.
We began a long and challenging four-year relationship that we both agreed later that we should have just remained friends. I was in a very dark place, was miserable and most people did not want to be near me. I pushed God completely away. I was scared of being hurt again, I was scared to get involved with another church and I was terrified to make friends that would just walk away once again.
I was not going to give God a chance because in my eyes, He had many chances to help me and He repeatedly ignored me. He obviously didn’t love me, much to my surprise later on. Towards the end of the third year of this relationship, I found myself listening to sermons on the radio, Christian music and even praying. I would catch myself and think what the heck? Where is this coming from?
I began praying for some specific things, that my mom who was very ill would be healed, that my relationship would end and I could get out of that mess, that I could move closer to my family, that my job would let me transfer and that I could once again I could find peace and love within a church community.
In early 2014, the relationship came to an end, I moved back to my hometown, and I was able to spend the final 9 months with my mom before she passed. She and I had many conversations during this time and in one conversation in Oct of that year, she sat me down and told me how proud of me she was. She said she could see the heart change, she could see how my countenance changed, that I was more at peace than before and she knew that I would finally be alright when it came time for her to go home. I remembering crying so hard because I wanted someone to acknowledge that I was truly trying change and truly tying to follow Gods will for my life.
The week leading up to her passing I spent a lot of time in the ICU wing with her. Most of my family was all sick so they didn’t get to go up near as much as I did so I had a lot of time to think, pray and seek God. I began to notice the people in the waiting room, struggling because they were terrified for their loved ones, I began to pray for these people, to pray for their families and try to reach out and offer some love and encouragement to them. We were all bonded for life, we needed to rely on each other for love and grace and to know someone else was simply there.
That Christmas I discovered that the true meaning of Christmas is LOVE. That’s what it’s all about, plain and simple. As I said goodbye to my mom, she was reminding me of our favorite verse, Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who gives us strength.” I finally felt that it was true and that we would get through this through the grace of God.
I found the peace through Christ, He held me and sustained me. He comforted me and He provided a safe place to cry and scream and let it all out. He allowed me to be angry for taking my mom from me, He allowed me to be upset with Him for all the years of hurt and disappointment. I learned that He can take it. He’s big enough and strong enough to take it from us. I was finally figuring out what it was to have true and authentic faith, to walk in His light and to fully live a Christian life. I was saved at 4, but it took 32 years before I was truly a Christian!
I don’t know what the future holds for me, I don’t know if I’ll have this struggle for the rest of my life, but what I do know is that I’m forgiven, that God is the one I’m worried about disappointing and He’s the one that my identity is all wrapped up in. My real and true identity is a child of God and that’s all that matters. I’m thankful for this thorn, I’m thankful that God has allowed me to endure so much because not only have I learned much about myself, I found true love and acceptance, the very thing I spent 32 years searching for.
I have a mission now, to share my faith and my journey with others so that people will see God’s grace and love, so that they see that even in the midst of trials and us pushing God away, He never gives up on us, He loves us, He cherishes us and He will always have our backs. His love is unconditional and never failing and it’s greater than many of us can truly fathom!
Growth
God has brought me such a long way from where I was a few years ago. Through so many wonderful saints praying for me nonstop and loving me unconditionally, I was finally able to start tearing down the walls that I had built up around myself. I finally felt free to let people in, to cry, to be vulnerable and to seek God without the chains that once bound me so tightly. I’m just like you, we all have a past and I’m sure there are things that we wish we didn’t have to talk about but, it makes us unique and hopefully strengthens our relationship with God. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be where I’m currently at with church, life and school I would have laughed and thought you were crazy. Back then, I had little hope, I was miserable, I was cold, I was angry and felt so alone that I wondered if God truly loved me at all. I was raised in church but didn’t fully understand what it meant to believe and walk the walk until 2014.
I was once a person of doubt, I was timid, I was extremely shy, constantly worried about everything. All I wanted was to please people and make them happy even at the expense of being miserable myself. My height always bothered me, for years I would ask God why, because it felt more like a curse than anything else. When I began to lose my hair, I would look up towards Heaven and say…really God, this too? I always struggled with self-esteem issues, feeling too small and never masculine enough. I felt inadequate and less of a man. All I wanted was to fit in and have that acceptance from other guys to feel like one of the brothers. Sports have never really been my thing because I’m the least athletic person in the world (have you seen me run?) 😜. I couldn’t connect with people because I felt so different. I built these walls to keep others out, to try to protect myself. I look back now and realize that God made me perfect in His eyes. He didn’t make a mistake and for me to constantly be question Him is questioning His judgment and grand design. He has the perfect plan for me just as He does for each of us. It’s up to us to realize that and be willing to be used for His purpose.
Before my mom passed, I had the blessing of spending the final 8 months with her and my dad. I got to see her all the time and spent cherished moments that I will forever hold dear to my heart. She was in immense pain, she suffered a great deal but yet she never lost her faith. She never lost her trust that God was still in control. Watching her struggle impacted me in a way that changed my life forever. She constantly rejoiced, she loved the Lord with all of her heart. She knew she would see Him soon and she knew that whatever pain she experienced on earth was short-term and worth the wait for the glory that was awaiting her. Through seeing her faith and her love, a fire was ignited in me that I wanted to live like that, to have that complete peace, to be non-judgmental, to love everyone, to accept people as they are and to show grace beyond belief.
My outlook on life changed as I realized how quickly things can come to an end. I learned to cherish things, to rejoice in all things, to be more patient, more relaxed and to enjoy of every minute before my time is up. I’ve learned that it’s actually okay to have a lazy day, to be spontaneous and to stop and smell the roses and most importantly make sure those in your life know they are loved.
Through everything I’ve had the utmost peace because without Him I have nothing, I am nothing! I owe it to Him to love others as Christ loves, to seek out the lost, the hurting and the ones that feel forgotten to show them that He is here! Had I not wandered away, I hate to think what my life would be like today. It took me hitting bottom to realize and truly feel His love and to have that ultimate peace that can only coming from a personal relationship with Christ. To God be the glory!
My Tribute to My Mom
Mom, You were the first person that I loved. You demonstrated pure compassion and grace. You were in the hospital more times than I can count while pregnant with me and for that reason alone you deserve all the rewards Heaven has to offer. From the time I was born, I was a momma’s boy and I’m not afraid to admit it. I was always the baby that needed to be held or around people and apparently that hasn’t changed much now that I’m adult. Mom, you were my best friend from the moment I came into this world. You loved me when I didn’t feel loved by anyone or deserved it, you stood by me when everyone else walked away and you continuously lifted me up when I was constantly beaten down. Mom, you have always been my hero in every sense of the word.
I have such awesome memories of you helping me build my cities, letting me win at board games even though you hated them, listening to me sing even when my voice sounded like Mickey Mouse was being murdered and you never grimaced or covered your ears….although, now that I think about it…could I have been what caused your hearing loss? 😦 You poured out so much for us and I just hope and pray that you felt the love and adoration in return. You loved us so much that you didn’t want to do anything else but be with us and it was so admirable that you worked in the school district so you would have our schedule. We were extremely fortunate to have you home with us during all the school breaks! While on the breaks from school, we went swimming, shopping, staying at home relaxing, visiting friends and it didn’t matter what we did, you always had a way of making it fun and exciting. You made all of our friends welcome and they still say to this day how kind and loving you were.
I will never forget the days that I just didn’t feel like going to school and you would come in and look at me and ask, “are you really sick?” I would wink and say, “nah”….and you would say…”okay, you can stay at home, just don’t make it a habit!” You definitely showed me too much grace because I was much “sicker” than everyone else on purpose because that meant I could stay at home and relax! You knew exactly what I was doing and you always gave me that little smile!
You had such a sense of humor as well. I’m not sure many people know, how goofy you could be, I won’t even talk about you getting drunk at the Episcopal church at their Seder’s supper! I love the fact that my conservative, baptist mom, loved listening to Coldplay and Eminem! Still blows me away that you even liked that stuff, especially Eminem! You loved showing us how you could still twirl your baton and show us your tricks from when you were in high school and I remember you trying to show me how to play basketball, but we all know I never got that athletic gene! 😉 You always had such a huge smile and we were always extremely proud of you! You are still the only person I know that could not get a tan, so what did you do? You would wear shorts and panty hose! Maybe you thought people didn’t realize….ummmm! LOL
I specifically remember one time you were driving and we were with you. A car pulled out and nearly hit us. You never cursed but this one particular time you told us to cover our ears and you said…very calmly…..”damn!” Jamie and I couldn’t contain our laughter and still laugh about it today because that’s just how you were…you were always just so kind!
Everyone that knew you, knew you as the animal whisperer. You never saw a stray that you didn’t try to adopt. It was incredible to see these animals just innately trust you and seem to know that you would take care of them. Over the years, we had dogs, cats, a horse for a short time, rabbits, frogs, hamsters, a turtle or two and some ducks, it was amazing! You always said you would wanted to open a animal sanctuary and I like to believe you are helping to take care of the animals in Heaven! You even took in animals that were sick because you just wanted them to enjoy what little time they had left on earth.
Your heart was unlike anyone’s I’ve ever come across. You never met a stranger and although you could be timid and shy at times (maybe that’s where I get it) if someone needed anything, you would give them the shirt off your back! You had such a passion for children with special needs and I believe that was one of your callings. You had such patience and love for them and you showed us to never treat people any differently and that they needed to be shown as much respect and dignity as everyone else in our lives. It helped us to never see a disability, we just saw them as another brother or sister and it was a tremendous blessing! I remember the times during school breaks that you would have your students at the house. You would watch them so that their parents had an opportunity for break for a few hours! What kind of person while on their vacation still does that? My mom, that’s who! It was never a job for you, it was your passion from deep within your heart and you pursued it like she did everything else in your life, with faith and trust in God.
Your heart simply had no boundaries and I know that you are being rewarded heavily while worshiping at the feet of Jesus.
Mom, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about you. I wonder who you’ve seen, who you are talking to, and what you are doing! It’s awesome to think that after all the years of praying for us, sharing God’s word, guiding us and loving us, you are now able to rejoice and see the fruits of your labor. You are now able to experience your salvation!
I love you so much and I hope you have an amazing Mother’s Day in Heaven! I’ll see you soon but until then, I hope I can make you proud and that you can catch glimpses of the awesome things God is doing in our lives!
Miss you!
Jase
Protected: Encouragement
“It’s not about me”
We’ve all heard this said many times by various people. For many of us including myself, it’s gone in one ear and out the other. It’s seemed that everywhere I went, people were saying it, almost to the point of becoming ridiculous. I wondered if people were saying it because they truly meant it.
As I’ve stated before in previous posts, I stayed to myself the majority of growing up. Once I started to come out of my shell and discovered music, I found myself craving that attention. It was quickly becoming all about me. I couldn’t wait to get on a stage and belt the loudest and highest notes because I yearned for that affirmation. It was amazing when people would come talk to me about my voice, it finally made me feel that my life had some purpose (as strange as that sounds.) My music wasn’t about God or my relationship with Him and it certainly wasn’t about drawing people into His presence at that time, it was all about me.
I was self-centered not Christ-centered.
I was humbled many times as I would get up to sing, words would be forgotten, I would get lost in the middle of a song and a few times I actually had Hillary Clinton moments when coughing spells would start and I wouldn’t be able to stop! One would think that these would help me to see that it wasn’t about myself, that I wasn’t glorifying God, but I’m stubborn and have to have these lessons pounded into me repeatedly before they sink in.
In 2014, my heart began to change. I was finding myself becoming much more compassionate towards people and their circumstances. I actually started to see people and could see the heartache in their eyes. I could feel their pain and became more sensitive which allowed more opportunities to reach out to them. The change from within in my own heart was igniting something in me that would lead me on a journey that I would have never imagined.
I began to really examine my life and wonder if everything I did was for my own selfish ambitions or if my heart was turning into a servants heart.
As my heart continued to grow closer and closer to God, things become more noticeable, like the beauty that was all around me. God helped me to see things like the trees, the grass, birds, people, animals and all the beautiful things He created. It was as if I had been color blind before and only saw things in black and white and now I was finally seeing things in color. It was breathtaking, everything was so vivid and my heart would almost skip a beat because what I had taken for granted for so long was now in front of me and I realized that it was a creation of God. There had also been so much grace and mercy shown to me that it taught me how to show that towards others. Serving others became something that I looked forward to, whether going the extra mile at work, at home, or at church, I just wanted to help. The recognition wasn’t important to me, just knowing that I could help someone was all the glory my heart desired.
Worship became something extra special for me as well. It was no longer about singing the highest or best notes, it was no longer about always wanting the best solo’s. Focus was shifting to God and being a vessel to be used in any capacity He deemed necessary. Worship services were something I looked forward to for sharing my faith and journey with others. The focus became seeking out people, drawing them in and rejoicing with them. This has allowed me to open up more in worship, to experience the presence of God more than ever before.
I was recently talking with a friend of mine about worship music and I had planned to sing a special in church on Palm Sunday but the more and more I’ve thought about it, I just feel that it’s not appropriate anymore. The song is incredible, the words are very powerful, but I don’t want that focus to be on me. The focus should be on Christ and what He has done for each and everyone of us.
I finally understand what this saying means. I actually get it…It’s not about me, it’s all about Him. As we get closer to Easter, my prayer is that I can focus on Him and what God has done for each and everyone of us. That I can focus on His son and the sacrifice He had given for us. Each of us put Him on that cross and each of us owe Christ a debt that we can never repay, but I pray that seeking to have a servants heart and being used as a vessel daily will glorify and honor all that He has and continues to do in my life.
CHRISTmas
*I know we are past the holiday season, but as we approach Easter to celebrate the resurrection, I thought it would be wonderful to remember the real reason Christ was born.
“Christ didn’t come to bring us Christmas, He came to bring us Easter!”
– unknown
Christmas was always such a special time for our family. Every room was decorated with something to reflect this holiday; we had beautiful white lights that covered the bushes, the driveway and sidewalk were lined and from the street you could catch glimpses of the trees in windows, a fire in the fireplace and it was incredibly warm and inviting. It was completely magical, like something out of a dream.
I couldn’t wait until Thanksgiving Day because I knew that this was the day that we began the tedious process of pulling out the tree(s), checking the lights, and going through every single decoration from the attic. I loved every single minute of it! My mom and I would spend countless hours going through everything with a fine tooth comb and preparing to turn the house into a Christmas wonderland.
My parents always tried to make the holiday special, and although we did not always get what we wanted in gifts, they always made sure to make that time of year extra special.
I knew it was the time to be thankful for Christ’s birth but I’m not sure it completely dawned on me what the holiday was about.
My whole focus on Christmas was from a worldly view not a Christian perspective.
Christmas of 2014 completely changed that perspective for me. My mom was ill for a pretty long time and this particular Christmas she was in the hospital. My dad, sister and her family were all sick with the flu, so it was pretty much up to me to be at the hospital. I spent a lot of time in the waiting room, going in and out of her room in ICU and getting to know my new friends in the waiting room. Mom was on the ventilator so she couldn’t speak but she could nod her head, she could give tiny smiles and she held onto hold my hands quite a bit! Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were spent with me singing to her. I’d look over at her and tears would be pouring down her cheeks and it wouldn’t be long and they would be streaming down mine as well. Doctors, nurses and even people I’d met in the waiting rooms would stop by, stand there and join in singing, it turned into a big cry fest with all of us, but it was one of the most beautiful experiences and one that I will cherish forever!
As I continued splitting my time between the hospital, work and getting slim amounts of sleep, I realized that I could be doing more, I could be praying for the people in the waiting rooms. I knew that I could be someone who they could talk to, share with and someone who would just listen to what they were going through. We were all worried about our loved ones and you could see and feel the panic and heartbreak. We prayed for each other, lifted up and the moments when several of us lost our loved ones, we were there for one another, holding, crying and reassuring each other that God was in control and He was there with us. It was simply amazing! We had been strangers a week before and now we were bonded for life!
Over time, I started to reflect back on those moments, those precious times where I had some special one on one time with my mom before she passed. It hit me that what I experienced that Christmas was what this holiday was all about.
The true meaning of Christmas is LOVE.
Those moments in the waiting rooms, getting to know the hospital staff, the precious time in mom’s room, these were all focused on LOVE. It forever changed my thoughts and appreciation for Christmas.
The decorations, lights, trees, food, and everything else that is associated with this holiday are wonderful, but the true focus should be about God and His never-ending love for all of us.
I believe God allowed me to have those moments to bring everything into perspective for me, to see things more clearly and to truly appreciate what He has done for me and for each of us.
Christmas 2014 was hard, but it was the most meaningful and joyful Christmas I’ve ever had the honor to experience. It’s one that I will cherish for the remainder of my life and one that I will forever rejoice and be thankful for. Even though it’s hard without my mom here, I look forward to the holiday now but not for the gifts, not for the decorations, but for the opportunities to spend extra time with those I love. That’s the true and wonderful meaning of Christmas!
“For God so LOVED the world that He gave His only begotten son that whoever believes in Him would not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16
Friendships
Growing up I never had a large group of friends. I had plenty of acquaintances, but very few true, meaningful relationships. I yearned for friends but didn’t connect well with people so it made it impossible. I came off as incredibly socially awkward, very timid and insecure and let’s be honest, who wants to be friends with someone like that? I’m not sure I could handle it.
I knew many people and they were my close friends at church but once we were outside the church, it’s as if I didn’t exist. It was extremely hurtful and always led me to question what was wrong with me.
I already had trust issues from childhood and this just seemed to make it even more difficult to put myself out there. It seemed like almost everyone I met, betrayed me somehow and eventually turned their back on me. After that happens a few times, it really begins to start messing with your head.
There would be times that I would be so desperate for friends that when new people would come into my life, I would drive them crazy by becoming obsessed. I couldn’t get enough, I always had to be around them, always had to remind them that I was still there. For some reason, I had this crazy notion that they would meet other people who were more fun or outgoing and once again I would be cast to the side.
Thankfully as I’ve become older and hopefully wiser, I’ve realized that friends are important but not THE most important part of my life. I cherish the ones that I have, I’ve been truly blessed but I don’t have a desire to be surrounded by them constantly.
See the problem was that I never loved myself. I didn’t know how to be happy on my own without other people. I relied on everyone else to keep me entertained, to make me happy. Once I stopped giving everyone else the power and started putting God as the #1 in my life, everything else began to fall into place.
God has shown me that He’s all I need. He’s the best friend that anyone could ask for.
Dreams & Desires
We all have our dreams, we all have this picture in our head of how we hope our lives will turn out. My dream was to be an architect, to be the next Frank Lloyd Wright or Paul Williams. I was addicted to architecture, it was like a drug for me. This consumed every part of my life. Countless hours would be spent studying blueprints, redesigning house plans that I found in books and dreaming up my own unique designs. I was even accepted into a prestigious summer camp while in high school that’s specifically designed for future architectural students.
When I was younger, I was blessed one Christmas with a huge box of Lincoln Logs. This gift changed my life in that it caused this dream to become an obsession! I could literally spend an entire weekend shut in my room building houses, hotels, cities, etc. My Lego collection was also growing rapidly and overtaking my closet. I just knew that I was destined to be the greatest architect that had ever lived. My dad’s parents lived in a rather large home that had adjoining Formal Living and Dining Rooms. These rooms were only used for holidays or special occasions, the rest of the time they just gathered dust. Since my sister and I were the only grandchildren on that side of the family, these rooms became a blank canvas for me! I would move all the furniture creating as much floor space as possible and would turn these two well sized rooms into a Lego and Lincoln log city! Roads would be constructed, houses and sky scrapers would be built and I even used my many matchbox cars to bring it all to life!My grandmother was so gracious and allowed me to leave it all up for months at a time and no one would touch any of it. I was always changing my mind and redesigning so these cities rarely stayed longer than a few weeks!
I had a problem of going into someone’s home and immediately explaining to them the many ways they could alter their floor plan or move furniture around to make the space more useable. I never looked at it as anything other than helping people out with their design issues, my parents on the other hand, especially my mom would always point out that it was rude of me to always try to fix everyone’s homes! I couldn’t help it, I was so consumed and it’s all I knew to talk about. I could actually look at the front of a house, study the placement of the windows, doors, garage, look for vent pipes and chimney’s and I could basically figure out the floorplan without stepping a foot inside the home. Needless to say, this did not go over well with classmates because they thought I was a stalker! If I was in church, at school, at a theater, didn’t matter where, I would be starring at the structure and design and to figure out ways to make it all more aesthetically appealing in my opinion!
I spent so much time focused on this dream (obsession) that I missed out many incredible opportunities like forming friendships and most importantly growing my relationship with God.
I wasted a lot of time on the architecture dream even when I had people from early on saying that I would one day be in ministry. I did not want to surrender to the call of minisry because it seemed boring. I had all of this creativity inside that was dying to escape, how could I possibly use it while in ministry? I remember thinking, where’s the joy in all of that? Where would the accolades be? Like I mentioned earlier, this was my drug, it gave me a high when people would comment on my designs, when I would see their faces light up. It made me feel special, made me feel like I was finally someone and I craved that attention. I loved that it was something that set me apart from other kids my age.
I was looking at this dream strictly from a worldly view. My goal was to be well known, to make a name for msyelf in the design world, to create structures that would be admired for years to come.
As my relationship began to grow with Christ, I realized that this stuff, as great as it is, is not eternal. In the end, I’ll pass away just like everyone else, I won’t be able to take the buildings with me. I even realized that one day my glorious designs would be torn down because some new and bright designer would have radical designs that would replace my antiquated dreams.
Through the grace of God and some major hurdles in my life, I learned that I needed to put more effort into my eternal home.
I’ve found that without Him, I am simply nothing.
Even if I had become a great architect/designer with my thoughts so focused on myself and worldly desires, I would have eventually felt completely empty inside. I now have no desire to be well known, to be famous or wealthy. God has changed my heart from someone so focused on praise and attention to now someone that’s focused on things above and how I can make an impact for the Kingdom of God. No longer do I need the accolades nor seek the constant approval or satisfication from others or the world.
The only approval I now seek is from my Heavenly Father.
My one and only desire is to follow and honor Him in all areas of my life. I desire to lead others through my journey, to share how my life has changed from a worldview to an eternal view and how that has greatly affected my faith and reassurance that can only come from a personal relationship with Christ.
Here are a few questions to ponder.
How have your dreams/desires changed over the years?
Why did they change?
Has Christ impacted your life in such a way that you no longer look to the world for satisficiation?
Intro
The purpose of this blog is to share my experiences with my faith and struggles along the way as I tried to figure out who I was and what I believed. I grew up in a Christian home and became the prodigal son that walked away from my faith, family and friends to pursue a life in the world and thankfully by the grace of God I managed to find my way home.
This is My Story, This is My Song. 